In NBC sitcom lore, Festivus was an anti-holiday created to cope with the obnoxious holiday-lovers who ruin Christmas every year. While Festivus was originally created to be celebrated in December, those who have reached their boiling points with the sweeter-than-molasses celebrators of Valentine’s Day can take part in a Festivus Renaissance: A Festivus for those spending Valentine’s Day alone.

— Compiled by The Daily Orange Feature Staff, pulp@dailyorange.com

 

Single seduction 

Even if you’re immune to emotions, allergic to chocolate and afraid of commitment, there is one part of Valentine’s Day even the most cynical single should never miss out on: sex.

It’s true, the art of seduction on Feb. 14 is often easiest when part of an operating couple, but don’t let your wifed up friends steal all of the fun. There are several routes you can take here, one riskier than the other.

The friends-with-benefits option is a real roll of the dice. The perfect balance of sex and friendship while avoiding any overwhelming emotional attachment is hard to find, though it is, scientifically speaking, possible. Set up an elaborate set of ground rules and go forth in your anti-Valentine’s Day debauchery.

If this sounds like too much of a challenge for you, as it is for many, don’t be afraid to take the noble path of the independent sexual participant. This year, you can be the master of your own domain.

 

Love drunk

If you’re still struggling to find love in the hopeless place that is Syracuse University, don’t be shy to channel your inner theater geek and joyously chant  “Wine and beer!” a la “Rent,” the musical.

There’s no shame in having a few drinks to help lift your spirits, but don’t overdo it. Grab your fellow dateless, depressed friends and throw a party. After finishing a wine bottle — or a beer can, if you’re feeling classy — give it a spin. A classic game of Spin the Bottle may be just what you need to keep from feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day, and an alcoholic boost helps puckering up for a good seven minutes in heaven.

So, solo students, fill up those Red Solo cups this Thursday. There’s no shame in drinking, just remember to be smart and don’t do it alone. But who knows? Maybe that cute single at the party will offer to hold your hair back if you drink a little too much love potion — although it is not advised to pucker up afterward.

 

Male perspective

Maybe you view Valentine’s Day as some commercialized mess concocted by greeting card companies, florists and jewelers. Maybe you don’t like the obligations, or maybe you are upset that just one week after one of the best days of the year for men — Super Bowl Sunday — comes one of the most dreaded.

What’s a single guy to do?

Try releasing any pent-up frustration with some exercise. Throw a few punches with the boxing club or hit the gym to build a stronger, more confident — and hopefully more holiday-tolerant — you for next year.

For those protesting the corporate nature of the holiday, organize your own “Occupy Valentine’s Day.” But that doesn’t mean gather several thousand of your closest friends and blockade the nearest Build-A-Bear store. Instead, protest the chocolates and roses. Make dinner for one and show off your fiscally responsible side by using those on-sale ingredients that are about to expire.

Anyone still afraid of commitment, or any responsibility for that matter, should approach V-Day with caution. Go about your day like any other. Talk with friends in class and procrastinate on your work, but avoid all depressing plans, especially those lonely hearts hangouts.

 

Food for thought

For you lonely souls out there, the satisfying answer to combating Valentine’s Day woes is by eating your heart out. Comfort food is a very important facet of anti-Valentine’s day, and getting the right junk food is paramount to a successful, unhealthy evening.

Chocolate is a must. Who needs a cuddle buddy when you can shower yourself in Hershey’s Kisses? It’s basically the same thing. Ghirardelli Hot Chocolate is a good substitute as well. Also, try smothering everything you eat in chocolate sauce. If you want, mix all of it together into a glorious chocolate-infused soup. Or chocolate cake will suffice.

Then, there is the quintessential food to drown all heartbroken sorrows: ice cream. In every movie and television show, if someone is dealing with relationship woes, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s is by his or her side.

It can’t all be sweets, though — there has to be some salty snacks thrown in there. Lay’s Kettle Cooked Mesquite BBQ is the ultimate face-stuffer for forlorn folks. The satisfying crunch of chip and the ability to feel like you’re shoving all of your worries out of your mind while shoving chips down your throat will make your heart flutter. Even if it’s because of the high cholesterol.

Published on February 12, 2013 at 10:51 pm