Mayfest is a special time of year for Syracuse University students. The year is a long, slow grind, so we rejoice for one day a year in the sun (maybe) and have an awesome time. But like the Constitution, we need a written testament in order to poke fun at. Here are the 10 Commandments to this year’s Mayfest. In case you lose this copy, I carved them into the side of Hendricks Chapel for reference.

 

Jim Boeheim is the lord thy only Syracuse god

Any words against him are blasphemy. In the words of Hannah Montana, “everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days.” Boeheim is still the captain of the good ship Syracuse, and we his humble sailors.

Thou shalt not drunk text

Mayfest is not only the last celebration of the school year, but for many foolish guys like myself, it’s the last chance at telling that one girl how you really feel with a poorly-worded love note. Is it ever worth it? No. Will we do it anyway? You bet your bottom dollar we will.

Thou shall not take the name of 50 Cent in vain

How dare you. This man gave us “In Da Club.” This man deserves a parade — no, he deserves 21 parades, one for each question. He could have gone to any school in the country, but he decided to take his talents to the Salt City. He’s so dedicated to his craft that he once lost a quarter of his body weight for a movie no one decided to see.

Remember Mayfest and keep it holy

Schools around the country may have their own celebration, but this one is special, so treat it as such. Come up with your own tradition each year. For me, I like to wake up early and watch “The Notebook.” Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams’ chemistry is so electric that I am ready to go for the rest of the day.

Try not to embarrass your father and mother

We’re all going to do stupid things — it’s part of the Mayfest experience. But keep it in check. Contrary to popular belief, it is not required that you need to drunkenly fight someone in order to get truly partake in Mayfest.

Thou shall not murder a beat

There will be a time when you are feeling yourself a little bit, maybe it’s the music, maybe it’s the freezing rain, I don’t know. But you’re going to want to freestyle. Don’t do it. If I’ve learned anything from “Malibu’s Most Wanted,” it’s that rapping is not for everyone, and that I like my lattes non-fat and don’t forget the sprinkles.

Thou shall not become an adult groupie

Syracuse is a basketball school, so players tend to come back to SU and are swarmed by legions of people. I know it would make for an awesome insta, but they want to have a good time too. Michael Carter-Williams rejected me last year, but I’m better off for it — unless Baye Moussa Keita comes back. Then I’m totally grabbing a selfie with Baye.

Thou shall not steal a cop car

Mayfest is policed like a One Direction concert. This means that there will be many unattended cars, all of them with pretty sirens on them. I’ve wanted to do this myself ever since I saw “Superbad,” but Bill Hader and Seth Rogen are not cops, so we’re out of luck.

Thou shall not take more than one nap

Mayfest is not a sprint, but a marathon. And like most, you need a break every now and then. But be careful — one minute you’re awake, the next you’re a Snorlax and you’ve missed all those DJs you didn’t really want to see.

Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s tequila

A subsidiary of No. 9 — sure it looks fun, but no other drink makes you feel like a Rube Goldberg machine. But no one in the history of the world not named Charlie Sheen has said, “Wow, I’m really glad I drank too much Jose Cuervo.”

Danny Cuneo is a television radio, and film major He’s skimmed the Bible a couple of times. He writes a column every week in Pulp. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on April 22, 2015 at 10:56 pm