We need to have a serious discussion. Before the summer gets off track, we have to figure something out — no, not that mole on my leg. I’m talking about the song of the summer. Every summer is defined by one track that is repeated again and again by top 40 stations until you hear it in your sleep, and Leonardo DiCaprio hears it five dream levels deep. It is my job to find that song for you.

I want you to know something now: once this song is crowned, we will all enjoy it for these three glorious months, and then we won’t be able to listen to it for at least two years. Whether it’s “Party Rock Anthem” or “Get Lucky,” once a summer has a hold on a song, it becomes unbearable for the foreseeable future. Plans for the Viking funeral will be gathered when the time comes.

There will be three categories that each song will be judged on: instant likability, re-listen ability and likelihood that it gets an audible response when played at a party. I will be playing the role of judge, jury and executioner — or for the sake of this exercise, Randy, Paula and Simon. A 30 is a perfect score with each category graded on a scale of 10.

That Song By That DJ with That Drop

There’s a ten second intro where nothing is established. Then, the voice of a woman, who you can only assume is hot because of her voice enters. She starts to sing, something about “the forces that attract are too strong.” The beat builds more and more until she reaches her final note, a line about love that almost definitely makes zero sense, something like “in the final side, where our love will collide.” Then, a beat drops that destroys your sense of sound because you might as well have been hit by a spirit bomb. But just like the beat drop or stealing a car, these songs are short-lived fun; it just can’t sustain an entire summer.

Instant likability: 8
Re-listen ability: 5
Party response: 5
Final Score: 18

“Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon

This song is just awesome. It is upbeat, fun and has a song title that can also double as an overly used Facebook photo album title.

But my problem is the possibility of drunken fights that it may cause. Now, hear me out. You’re at a pool party, and it’s been going great. Everyone has had a little to drink, and all of a sudden this song comes on. I can already see it now — a girl yells, “Shut up and dance!” at another girl. She didn’t like her tone. Next thing you know, a full-fledged brawl has erupted because someone took an aggressive song title the wrong way. And all because they wouldn’t just shut up and dance.

Instant likability: 8
Re-listen ability: 5
Party response: 8
Final Score: 21

“Trap Queen” by Fetty Wap

Put this song on and try frowning. Go ahead, I’ll wait. (Waits…) You can’t, right? The dulcet tones of Fetty Wap and the opening beat drop make this song instantly likable and recognizable. As soon as you hear Fetty Wap scream, “I’m like ‘hey what’s up hello,’” like the baller Mr. Rogers that he is, everyone within a six mile radius is dancing. The song should be called “Trap Nuke.” But I don’t know that Fetty Wap has the star power to carry this song all the way to the top. When you hear the name Fetty Wap, nine out of 10 people are going to think you are referring to the fifth Teletubby. Also, I think like 95 percent of the song is about this woman making cocaine.

Instant likability: 7
Re-listen ability: 7
Party response: 10
Final Score: 24

“Time of Our Lives” by Pitbull Feat. Ne-Yo

The song is a summer classic because it is telling you how much fun you’re supposed to be having, dale. This isn’t supposed to be an average night, or even a good night, dale. Ne-Yo wants you to “Oooooohh give me the time of my life,” dale. And you know that Pitbull is going to turn any of his songs into a global hit based on his sheer force of will, and the fact that he is Mr. Worldwide, dale. In case you’re wondering, I am contractually obligated to end any sentence in a paragraph involving Pitbull with “dale.” Dale.

Instant likability: 9
Re-listen ability: 8
Party response: 9
Final Score: 26

“Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson Feat. Bruno Mars

It has assaulted our ears for months, but this is the summer Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars take their final bow. Everyone knows the words, it is beyond catchy and white people get to yell out “Julio, get the stretch!” and not sound condescending. This song has it all. The beat drops and the horns combine for a perfect clash of some weird Stevie Wonder ska band fever dream, and throw in Bruno Mars, and that is how you make a summer hit. I’m not a doctor, but I think this song could cure world hunger. If you don’t think this jam will take over, fine. Don’t believe me, just watch.

Instant likability: 10
Re-listen ability: 9
Party response: 10
Final Score: 29

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He would like to dedicate this column to the loss of “Gangnam Style” and “Call Me Maybe” from radio stations everywhere. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on May 25, 2015 at 8:00 pm