It’s that special time of year again — no, I’m not talking about the start of school; that’s terrifying — that makes you want to believe in something bigger than yourself. Of course, I’m talking about fantasy football season. The opportunity to take your friends’ money is on the line, so I know many of you are looking for tips. Well, look no further than the humor column of a university newspaper. Here are my fantasy sleepers and busts based on minutes of research and watching YouTube compilations.

Sleepers

Teddy Bridgewater – QB Minnesota Vikings: The kid is poised to break out this year after a solid rookie season. I know this because I slept through the Syracuse-Louisville game freshman year in which he played, but checked the box score afterwards. He was really good. Also if you can’t think of a team name, his surname is full of puns.

Tevin Coleman – RB Atlanta Falcons: This guy has been battling adversity his entire life. First, he was given the name Tevin, which sounds like he is the male high school lead bully in an all-male version of “Mean Girls.” Then, he played football at Indiana, a primarily basketball school that has a football tradition that no one cares about. Now he’s in the NFL, ready to make an impact that no Tevin has ever made before.

Alfred Blue – RB Houston Texans: Filling in for Arian Foster, here is a guy who has a chance to do big things in an intriguing new offense. Also my favorite color is blue. Sometimes it’s just a gut thing, you know?

Busts

Marshawn Lynch – RB Seattle Seahawks: As a member of the media, I am obligated to hate this man to the core. He won’t give interviews even though his job is to play professional football and therefore he is the worst.

DeMarco Murray – RB Philadelphia Eagles: I don’t ever know what to think when talking about a Chip Kelly offense. His offense is like a box of chocolates, you never know who’s going to score and also Tom Hanks is involved. Murray could score 20 TDs this year or he could score three, with no in-between. Like that beauty mark in that certain area, I think he’ll be kept quiet.

Andrew Luck – QB Indianapolis Colts: Look, I’m not picky about elite quarterbacks for God’s sake, I’m a Giants fan. But if there is one thing I need, my quarterback should be beautiful. Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Keanu Reeves in “The Replacements,” all beautiful men who lead their teams to victory. If my QB is holding up the Lombardi Trophy, I don’t want a neck beard to get in the way of its glimmer. Call it beauty elitist, but you can’t spell elitist without ELITE.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio, and film major. He enjoys the days of his fantasy football drafts more than his birthday. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on August 31, 2015 at 11:34 pm