I was spoiled this year. Both my parents decided that after completing two somersaults at my Gymboree class that I deserved the world. Damn, those tumbles were hard, and they hurt my neck, but if this is the reward, I’ll do three somersaults if I have to. I’ll start from my biggest gifts to the smallest.

12 Drummers Drumming

I’ll admit this one was a little loud. But after the tinnitus wore off, I really appreciated the talent of these guys. They even had the courtesy to not play “Little Drummer Boy,” which is universally accepted as creepiest Christmas song of all time.

11 Pipers Piping

I thought piper was a job like “Travel Agent” or “Anthony Weiner’s masseuse,” something that had been eliminated long ago. However, thanks to my parents, the piper industry is booming. These guys piped their pipes until they couldn’t pipe no more (note: this is not a sex thing).

10 Lords a Leaping

Do you believe this? I come downstairs after I awoke and there they are, 10 landlords awaiting my arrival with keys to New York City studio apartments. Adulthood will be scary!

9 Ladies Dancing

I didn’t think my parents would be so cool, but the fact that they allowed nine strippers into our home on Christmas morning is a testament to their progressive thinking and I salute them.

8 Maids a Milking

Holy sh*t. The one thing I wanted for Christmas this year was fresh milk, and boy did my parents deliver. EIGHT MAIDS. Milking EIGHT COWS. I have enough milk to open my own ice cream shop, which I plan on doing with my 10 Lords and nine Ladies.

7 Swans a Swimming

I couldn’t really pet them because they were in the Olympic sized swan pool, but they were pretty. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were nowhere to be found.

6 Geese a Laying

You know what? This one I didn’t understand.

5 Golden Rings

Fine I’ll say it, three more than LeBron.

But one less than Jordan…

Am I elite?

4 Calling Birds

I’ve never been treated to Christmas carolers; I just haven’t been lucky enough to live in a neighborhood where people voluntarily sing on your front yard when you never asked them to. However, when I got out to the front porch and heard those four blue jays sing “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” I truly felt the Christmas spirit.

I lost some of that feeling when I noticed all the bird poop I’d have to clean up.

3 French Hens

I could be petty and say that I only asked for normal hens, but that would be rude. French hens are just as nice.

2 Turtle Doves

When you imagine what a turtle dove is, you’re definitely thinking of this graceful bird with a turtle shell armed to protect it as it soars the North American skies.

I was wrong.

1 Partridge in a Pear Tree

I’m trying to be grateful, but another damn bird? At least this one came with a fully stocked pear tree, which according to Rick Ross is the key to weight loss success.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He looked up the lyrics to this song on “metrolyrics.com” like the good Lord intended. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu

Published on December 23, 2015 at 7:59 pm