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Ask Aine: Why can’t I seem to find a boyfriend at SU?

Dear Aine: Cuffing season has officially started and I couldn’t be more upset about it. I have a smokin’ hot bod and a killer personality, but I’ve been single for the past three years of college. All of my friends say I just need to “put myself out there,” but honestly, I’ve tried everything from dating apps to writing my phone number on the bathroom door of Lucy’s. I feel like the hookup culture at SU is getting out of hand. Last week, I had sex with seven men and I totally blame hookup culture for like four out of seven of those instances. I’m so desperate, I’m writing to my school’s humor columnist for advice. Aine, is it just me or is it really hard to find a boyfriend at SU?
–Syracuse Single

Dear Syracuse Single: It’s not just you. I have perfect teeth and a great a** (please do not Google what I look like) and yet I still find myself struggling to lock down the perfect man. My advice for any Syracuse singles out there: transfer. Let’s be real for one second. Do you really think you’re going to find the person you’re gonna marry in central New York? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you met in a dark fraternity basement? Besides, being single in college isn’t that bad. Take it from me. As a single woman, you have way more time to focus on the things that matter in life. Like sobbing into a body pillow that you stapled your ex’s face on and dressed in that sweatshirt that still smells like him.

Ask Aine: Is it bad that my partner only takes me on dates to the dining hall?

Dear Aine: My partner only takes me on dates to the dining hall and not even the good dining halls. They have exclusively taken me to the BBB dining hall and we live on the Mount. When I mentioned that I wanted to go on a real date, they lashed out at me and told me that BBB has the best food on campus. They accused me of being ungrateful for the meal swipe they used on me. When I pointed out that it really doesn’t really matter because they have unlimited swipes, they spit on my breakfast pizza and left. Aine, is it bad that my partner exclusively takes me on dates to the dining hall?

–BBBad Partner

Dear BBBad Partner: This is one of those situations where you have to look at the silver lining. Is it concerning that they think BBB’s dining hall has the best food? Yes. But, at least they’re taking you out. My last boyfriend never took me anywhere. He was always saying things like, “We aren’t dating!” and “You’re delusional. I’m just your barista.” So, try looking on the bright side!

Ask Aine: Is my boyfriend Otto?

Dear Aine: I think my boyfriend might be Otto. He has been acting really suspicious lately — he’s been sneaking off at odd hours of the day and won’t tell me where he’s going. And he always has his phone on do not disturb and refuses to let me near it. My conspiracy is that he is sneaking off to practice his mascot skills and thinks I might find proof that he’s Otto on his phone. The only thing is I’m pretty sure he’s too tall to fit in the Otto suit. Aine, is my boyfriend Otto?

–Otto’s Girlfriend

Dear Otto’s Girlfriend: Girl, that man is cheating on you.

Published on October 9, 2022 at 10:13 pm