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This weekend you couldn’t walk two steps outside your apartment without seeing some drunk girl clutching a gallon of mysterious pink liquid. It wasn’t really a secret what was in these gallons. It was vodka, water and some sort of flavor enhancer—usually MiO. These jugs are affectionately called borgs, otherwise known as “blackout rage gallons.”

Let’s be real—borgs have their advantages. They’re pretty transportable, kind of yummy and you get to write funny phrases on the outside of the gallon. However, like any alcohol, they also have their disadvantages. I mean, with a name like “blackout rage gallon,” you shouldn’t expect to remember the next 48 hours.

What adults don’t understand about borgs is that they’re not just some random plastic jug that you slug around with you all day. A borg is like a child—it must be taken care of, nourished and most importantly, named. Instead of drinking, I spent most of the Duke game scouring the pregame for the funniest borg names.

Ranked from “that’s sort of funny” to “that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen since I watched that kid fall down the stairs at the darty,” here’s a list of the best borg names I saw last Saturday.

10. “Material Borg”
At the bottom of the list is “material borg,” an obvious play on “material girl.” It’s funny, but a bit overdone. I’ll admit—the first time I saw the sharpied words, I let out a little chuckle. But by the end of the day, I had seen ten different renditions of “material borg.” Or, I’m not gonna lie, it could have been five. I was so drunk I was seeing double.

9. “Step Borg, What Are You Doing?”
What I like about this borg name is that they took a classic line from po—excuse me, American cinema and added a borg-licious twist.

8. Borgan Donor
Short and sweet. The opposite of how the Duke game went for the men’s Syracuse basketball team.

7. Blackborg.edu
A play on every Syracuse student’s favorite website—blackboard.edu. Points were deducted for giving me flashbacks to my declining grades.

6. Our Borg and Savior
It’s important to recognize a higher power. That power being vodka.

5. “The Borg not Taken” – Roborg Frost
Two borgs diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not drink both.

4. Heisenborg
I am the one who…drinks.

3. Borg Washington
If the first president of the United States was still kicking, he would be honored to have a borg named after him.

2. The Borgeoisie
Down with the Bourgeoisie! And while we’re downing things, down your drink.

1. LamBORGhini Mercy
“…Your chick, she’s so thirsty!” Well, actually she’s pretty quenched. She just drank half a gallon of water.

Published on February 22, 2023 at 9:47 pm