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If you’re anything like me, you like to plan everything down to the last second. Planners get a bad rep, but we’re the reason your group of friends makes it out of the pregame. We make sure you avoid going to a busy restaurant without a reservation and let’s be honest, we don’t get the credit we deserve. I’ve planned birthday parties, baby showers and a couple of weddings, but now I’m ready to plan the biggest boss of them all — the Duke vs. Syracuse basketball game.

Anyone who goes here knows that the Duke game takes a full day to really complete. It’s not like most game days, where you wake up, roll out of bed and put on a shirt that’s sort of orangey — could be red now that you’re looking at it in the light. The Duke game is the real deal, ladies and gentlemen. That’s why I’ve planned out the ideal Duke game day schedule to a T, which you and all your lame friends should follow.

6 a.m.
Yup, that’s no typo. We’re not playing around here. I’m having you wake up at 6 a.m. for the 7 a.m. sunrise. Why, you ask? What color is the sunrise? Orange. Start your day with an orange sky to remind yourself what color the best basketball team in the U.S. wears.

If you wake up past 7 a.m., what color is the sky going to be? That’s right, genius! Blue. And what color does the worst basketball team in the U.S. (and probably the world) wear? Duke Royal Blue.

8 a.m.
Once 8 a.m. hits, you’re gonna want to start chugging. Water, that is. It’s very physically exhausting watching 10 tall men run up and down a polished wood floor for two hours. I’m sure they’re tired, but you — you’re exhausted. That’s why it’s essential for you to hydrate at the start of the day. Whatever liquids you can find in your kitchen will do: water, orange juice, vod—

10 a.m.
Start rallying the troops. Call everyone you know and give ‘em a nice early morning wake-up call. The game may start at 6 p.m., but the festivities start now!

You may be thinking (like the big dumbie you are), “When’s breakfast? I’m hungry!” No breakfast! You need to save your appetite for those delicious and nutritious (not by any doctor’s standards) Dome Dogs. I usually scarf down five or six dogs before the game starts. Then, if I’m still hungry, which I usually am, I’m ordering three dome-chos. And no, I’m not sharing with you.

12 p.m.
Now that you’re hydrated and hungry, it’s time to hit the streets. Now that everyone is finally awake, grab your rowdiest, most disorderly group of friends and get ready to cause a scene. The bars think your ID is fake? Call the cops on them. A group of frat dudes won’t let you into their darty? Fake a seizure. The world is your oyster and the Duke game is your pearl.

2 p.m.
Lay on the ground. God, you’ve been up for a while, and the ground is starting to look especially cozy. No one would notice if you just layed down for a couple of seconds, right? Right.

10 p.m.
Wake up alone on the ground in a pile of red solo cups and discarded orange foam fingers. You can’t find your wallet, keys or phone and there are 12 smudged tally marks on your forearm. You missed the game, but boy did you have a time! Or did you? You can’t remember, you hydrated too hard.

Published on February 15, 2023 at 11:03 pm