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When I find myself craving another’s affection
I open this app and receive several rejections
But I never expected I would receive one from you
The guy I see in Newhouse, you know who
The one with the face and the smile and hair
He likes me, he’s seen me, I swear.

One time in food.com, he let me cut him in line
Well, not really, I sort of didn’t even see there was a line
Either way I took it as a God-given sign
Because what are the chances that both of us were there
Standing in line ordering bagels, it was a sexual love affair
Well, I have to admit the chances are pretty high
I know when his class gets out, I cannot deny.

But now, as I sit in my bed alone
I swipe through this stupid app, clutching my phone
When suddenly his name and his face illuminate my room
And my heart and my lower half start to go boom
He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more
Even though in his last picture he’s standing next to another wh-, I mean girl
Oh wait, that’s his sister, cut that last line
If only he knew what I would do if he were mine.

My hands are shaking as I pray to whatever God there may be
That someone above knows that this is the only man for me
I mean we’re perfect together, everyone knows that
I’m funny and smart and he’s… nice to look at
I’m gonna swipe right on the count of three
One, two, three—

So we didn’t match on Tinder, but I still see him around
That Newhouse guy that I was so close to taking to pound town
I wish him the best, although it didn’t work out
And by best I mean I hope that the rest of his life can only be described as a sexual drought
I’ve deleted that app, I want you guys to know
Instead, I downloaded Hinge, where all the Whitman hotties go.