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I don’t know if you guys have heard from the sounds of my upset stomach across campus, but apparently, there’s an election coming up. Frankly, I feel like I’m getting deja vu.

It’s like 2020 all over again … and 2016 all over again … God, I am tired.

I’ve been anxious about this election for months. I’ve never dreaded November more than I do this year, and that’s saying something. I hate the end of Halloween. When else am I supposed to watch Adam Sandler’s 2020 classic “Hubie Halloween?” Not during Easter, that’s for sure.

However, the stress of the election has caused my brain to pose one consistent question to itself: What would I do if I were president? A whole lot, that’s for sure. There are a lot of things I would outlaw (that wouldn’t affect women’s reproductive rights, actually). My campaign would be for the people.

First of all, I would ban all mention of the movie “Inception.” If I have to listen to one more male television, radio and film major talk about the effect of that movie on them, I will rip off my ears and stuff them in a blender. The same goes for “Interstellar,” “The Wolf of Wall Street” and “The Dark Knight.”

As a woman who loves to talk about movies, I have had enough! No offense to Martin Scorsese or Christopher Nolan, you guys are super talented. Your fans just make me want to never enter the Newhouse School of Public Communications ever again.

Dogs decked out in Halloween costumes have been all over my social media. Whether they’re dressed up as Bowser, wearing a fake dog wig or pretending to be a bipedal human, I eat it up every time. My next act as president would be to make it mandatory for anyone who owns a dog to dress them up in Halloween costumes. This would strongly increase morale and create more adorable Instagram content for people (mostly me) to consume.

Speaking of social media, I would also move to ban Snapchat streaks. What a stupid, stupid concept. No offense to those of you who have an active streak, but if you do … really? Pick up a book, please. I’m begging you. The higher your streak is, the longer your jail time. Three days is a week. Ten days is a month. One hundred days? I hope you’re ready for a life sentence, bucko. Hope the “good morning streaks” were worth it.

Last but not least, as President of the United States, I would use my power to fight for a cause that plagues Americans every single day: slow walkers. Slow walkers will be given roller skates (or Heelys) to speed them up so we impatient folks can get on with our day and make it to class. This will not only give slow walkers the great new skill of roller skating, but it will also save my voice from not having to yell, “OK, move it along!”

Now that I’m thinking more about it, being president sounds fun. With my experience in comedy, I’d be entertaining on the national stage. Who knows, maybe I could end wars with my quick wit. Spirit Halloween, you better stock up on those dog costumes for next year, because President Wells is on her way to the White House!

Published on October 23, 2024 at 11:45 pm

Contact Sarah: sswells@syr.edu