Dear Galactic Friends,

Welcome to another year under the reign of the First Order. I hope that your holiday break was restful and filled with ideas on how to find Luke Skywalker. This upcoming semester should present the same challenges as last, but with time off, it is my goal to enhance the minds of our storm troopers so that they can be completely focused on destroying rebel scum.

One of the First Order’s priorities this year is repairing damaged facilities that we have lost in battle. Now, as I’m sure you may have heard, we lost Starkiller Base in a fight with the New Rebellion. I know what you’re thinking, “But Kylo Ren, this one was bigger!” and I know, I thought it was going to work too, even though it has failed twice before.

However, as an ode to my grandfather, I allowed the Base to be susceptible to complete destruction. I was wrong to do that, and I take full responsibility. But we’ve begun preparations on an all-new Starkiller Base, and this one can destroy up to three planets at once. I’m looking forward to engaging with you all and listening to your feedback as we approach the launch of something new and exciting.

In addition, I would like to address the disappearance of FN-2187, otherwise known as “Finn.” Had we known he was a traitor, we would have dealt with him in a discrete and professional manner. We had no idea that he was going to help the New Rebellion and be an incredibly influential asset. And, not to deflect blame, but is it truly my fault? I’ve brainwashed storm troopers to be loyal to the First Order ever since adolescence. If one individual is not going to listen to the message, then that’s his prerogative. But know that I have your best interests at heart. I mean, what else do I have to prove to you guys that I really care about all of you?

Lastly, in an effort to create a better relationship with my staff, I’d like to take a quick poll to clear something up.

Are you guys Jacuzzis or Jack Ü people?

For a long time, we’ve been trying as a collective to figure out the name of the planet the girl is from. I think it’s time that we reach that consensus. We are one team, and while I understand that accents and different dialects may play a role, this individual research will help get the First Order to where we want to be.

So, if you pronounce the planet Jakku like you were starting to say the word “Jacuzzi” please send an email back explaining the origin of how you came to that decision. Please include your gender (if you’re comfortable) as well as the ancestry of your mother’s side. The same goes for those who pronounce the planet as two separate syllables, similar to electronic artist and personal friend Jack Ü. This question is not to create division, but to encourage healthy discussion about a topic that I’m sure has been plaguing many of you here in the Galactic Empire.

Whether you are a “Jacuzzi” or a “Jack Ü,” remember that at the end of the day, we all belong to the First Order.

Sincerely,

Kylo Ren

Published on January 26, 2016 at 9:42 pm