Recently, a lot of people have been contacting me about my articles. They all say things like, “Annabeth, I just read your article, you’re so wise,” or “Annabeth, you’re so smart. Can you make all of my decisions for me?” My answer is yes, yes I can.

You see, I have a confession to make. For the past six months or so, I have been very selfish. I’ve been writing for The Daily Orange, and I have not been giving you all, the people, what you truly need.

I have been simply telling jokes, and nothing more. Thus, I have been withholding all of the valuable advice that is stored inside my head. I have the answers to all of your questions.

So, I have decided to renounce my title as Humor Columnist. That’s right: from now on, I am Annabeth Mann: Advice Columnist.

Below, I have written out the questions I know you all have, along with my answers. So, hold on tight, my friends, because you’re about to get advised.

Q: Annabeth, my professor won’t let me go to the bathroom during class, but I always have to pee! Help!

A: This is a tricky one. You see, a professor who doesn’t allow students to leave their class to go to the bathroom is most likely holding in a lot of anger. This anger is undoubtedly stemming from a grade school incident. Nine out of 10 times, a professor who forbids students using the bathroom is one who peed their own pants in a classroom.

After this occurrence, your professor was probably told by their parents, “It’s OK, it happens to everyone.” However, to your professor’s displeasure, none of their classmates ever peed their pants.

Therefore, in hopes of seeing another student pee their pants in the middle of class to finally get closure and realize they’re not alone, your professor has banned leaving the classroom to go pee. That’s right: They want you to pee your pants.

So, there’s only one solution that doesn’t involve wetting yourself, although you could if you want: You and your classmates need to get to class a good 30 minutes early to set up the room and stage an intervention for your professor. It’s the only way they’ll come to terms with their bladder malfunction and allow you to pee freely.

Kevin Camelo | Digital Design Editor

Q: Annabeth, my roommate and I have been fighting recently. How can I fix this?

A: Well, reader, roommate quarrels can be tricky, but my roommate and I have found what we believe to be an effective way to solve all our conflicts. If you two are ever in a fight or feeling sick of one another, grab some duct tape and tape a line on the floor that crosses through the middle of your room.

Choose a side, because this is where you’ll be for the next week. That’s right: For seven days you need to remain on your side, no crossing allowed — not even to leave the room if the door doesn’t fall on your side.

This way, you both can get some much needed space from each other. By the end of the week, you won’t even remember what your fight was about.

Q: Annabeth, what should I carry my keys on? Is a lanyard fine? I want to be stylish like you!

A: I’ve gotten that question a lot. Around campus, we see a lot of people with their keys on lanyards, hair ties and keychains — which is fine, if it’s 2003.

Yeah, you heard me! Take that key off that lanyard and cut up all your hair ties because we’re living in 2018, and those styles are outdated and simply unacceptable.

So, what should you put your key on then? Easy.

First, just head on down to the nearest metalworking site. Any will do. Once you’re there, grab yourself a blowtorch and melt that key until it’s a nice liquid. From there, ask someone to make you several pieces of jewelry from said liquid, and there you have it.

I am currently wearing my key in the forms of a bracelet, a nose ring and a necklace. And the best part — other than looking great — is that if I lose one of my key accessories, I’ll still have two more — in other words, I’ll never be locked out. I know, it’s genius!

Q: Annabeth, how DO you do it?!

A: Three ways: I never give up, I drink at least three 8-ounce glasses of whole milk a day and I have never once looked Otto directly in the eyes.

Annabeth Grace Mann is a sophomore film major. Her column appears biweekly. She can be reached at agmann@syr.edu.

Published on February 4, 2018 at 9:37 pm