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On Wednesday, Syracuse University announced that the Sheraton Syracuse University Hotel & Conference Center is being turned into an undergrad dorm. Personally, I think this is a great idea because it means I get to show off my creative talents with its rebranding. Specifically, I wanted to throw my hat in the ring and come up with some names for the new dorm.

1. Jealousy Hall

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Where on earth was this “brand new dorm” when all of us were freshmen? I had one-half of a 200-square-foot room, not this fancy-dancy, hotel-turned-dormitory. These new freshmen are luckier than any of us were. I mean, who is Syracuse accepting into the Fall 2024 freshman class? Millie Bobby Brown? Why on earth do they need a dorm that used to be a four-star hotel?

2. The Boeheim Cave

I personally like to believe that part of Syracuse’s “Campus Framework” is to build Jim Boeheim a lair of some kind. Like his own personal Bat Cave. Boeheim Cave? Caveheim? I don’t know. Either way, no one can pull me away from my conspiracy theory that the school is putting a Caveheim (that’s what I’m sticking with) in the basement of the old Sheraton somewhere. It would have a big computer screen for him to watch basketball highlights and a spinning closet of suits for him to wear out on the town.

3. ‘Sorry, Parents’ Hall

We recently had Family Weekend on campus, and from what I’ve heard, many students’ families usually stay at the Sheraton. This was a cause of concern for many upon hearing that the hotel was being turned into a new dorm. There aren’t a ton of options in the Syracuse area for parents to stay (I mean, unless they want to sleep on the couch of their kid’s South Campus apartment, which I don’t think works for either party). I feel like putting an apology to parents in the name of the dorm may ease some tension. Personally, if I were a parent, I’d really appreciate that my feelings were being taken into account.

4. Shaq Hall

My personal favorite alumnus of Syracuse is none other than former NBA All-Star Shaquille O’Neal. A lot of people actually don’t know that he attended Newhouse’s Sportscaster U. program back in 2009. I mean, how awesome would it be to have a Shaq Hall on campus? I think we could even squeeze some funding out of this and get Shaq to buy us a new basketball court on campus. I mean, I wouldn’t use it. But I would have a lot of fun watching people poorly play basketball on it with unmatched confidence. This would also be an excellent opportunity to have a 7-foot-1 Shaquille O’Neal statue on campus. Imagine the photo ops.

5. ‘Deliver to the Front Door’ Hall

As someone who has utilized the Uber Eats app a time or two, I understand the frustration of trying to get food delivered to your dorm room. You have to leave about a million instructions in the app, then still have the delivery driver call, confused, when the security guard doesn’t let them in. I figure we can eliminate the hassle by simply putting our order instructions in the name of the dorm. It would save time for both students and delivery drivers who are just trying to get you your food before it gets cold.

All in all, I really think this new dorm will be great for students. It would be even better if Shaq provided an entirely new basketball court.

Published on November 12, 2023 at 9:00 pm

Contact Sarah: sswells@syr.edu