A panel hosted by the Syracuse University R.A.P.E. Center discussed how to recognize and confront unhealthy relationships Wednesday.

Comprised of six panelists and titled “Recognizing the Red Flags: Working Toward Healthy Relationships,” the panel touched on what defines a healthy relationship, red flags that lead to unhealthy relationships, ways to resolve those conflicts and the effects of the media.

“It is important to understand that certain aspects of what defines a healthy relationship is going to be defined by the partners themselves,” said Melissa Luke, a member of the panel and an assistant professor of counseling and human services.

Partners should be aware of what their needs are and make sure a satisfying level of those needs is being met, Luke said.

There is no specific model that defines a healthy relationship, but Linda Stone Fish, a professor of marriage and family therapy, said she believes there are four critical components.

A partner has to have control over himself or herself and influence over the other; he or she has to be his or her best self and encourage his or her partner to be the same; he or she has to give as much as he or she takes; and he or she must be willing to resolve conflict, Fish said.

“Relationships, especially intimate relationships, are sacred spaces, and their purpose is to heal us,” she said.

But there are challenges in trying to fulfill a healthy relationship, so partners and the bystanders need to recognize the red flags when they occur, the panel said.

A skit by three people about one partner who was dictating the relationship identified some red flags, such as jealousy, invasion of privacy, possessiveness and excessive control over one’s partner.

To help resolve the conflicts, the panel said, partners need to talk to each other and bystanders should offer their support and try to understand the situation without being judgmental.

Nothing substitutes good listening, said Amit Taneja, associate director of the LGBT Resource Center. People who are aware of someone in an unhealthy relationship need to stand by him or her and gently approach the topic instead of shying away from it, he said.

But the media also influences how people act and provides more challenges for couples to overcome, said Bradley Gorham, associate professor of communications.

Gorham told the audience to think of all the movies and TV shows in which relationship conflicts are wrapped up in a span of one or two hours. The idea that there is no immediate resolution to the problem can be uncomfortable, he said, but people need to be open to the possibility that resolving relationship conflicts may take all season, rather than just play out in one episode.

Storybook romances like “Beauty and the Beast” give inaccurate ideas about relationships, such as the idea that the girlfriend can transform the beast as long as she loves him enough, he said.

Advances in technology, such as social networking websites and iPhones, also put additional pressures on relationships, Gorham said, because they cross over privacy boundaries. For example, the GPS on the iPhone can track where a person goes, he said.

Claudia Ferguson, a senior biochemistry major, said the discussion helped her become more aware of how she handles her relationships.

“The variety of members in the panel was good, and they all gave some kind of beneficial advice,” Ferguson said.

The panel encouraged people to take action and resolve unhealthy relationships.

“We’ve all done good stuff in our life, and we’ve all done bad stuff in our life,” Taneja said. “There is a way to deal with it.”

 

Published on April 7, 2010 at 12:00 pm